United States Senator Yam Cornish, aged 97, appeared to briefly lose his life while addressing the media last Wednesday. The temporary lapse in mortality occurred when Cornish responded to a question regarding the nation鈥檚 budget deficit. As the Senator opened his mouth to respond, he appeared to close his eyes before leaning back in a relaxed manner, with his mouth slightly ajar, leaving the amassed media on the edge of their seats in appreciation for such a dramatic build up. However, the Senator鈥檚 response never came. Cornish was declared legally dead at 6:11 P.M., approximately nine minutes after the beginning of the press conference. He was escorted off the podium by several of his aides and an unidentified janitor, who declined to comment on the incident.
However, the assembled spectators were left flabbergasted when Cornish shuffled back to the podium, visibly startling several attendees with his pale and gaunt face. When asked if he was experiencing health complications, the prehistoric statesman assured reporters that he was "completely healthy" and had simply "died momentarily." Cornish, who some in the media have now dubbed the 鈥淟ouisiana Lazarus,鈥� concluded the press conference with a strong statement of intent, proclaiming that he will 鈥渄efend the integrity of our nation until [his] dying breath鈥nd hell, probably after it, too, if [he has] anything to do with it.鈥� New York Times reporter-at-large Lash Juper commented that Senator Cornish 鈥渓iterally looks like a zombie鈥 mean, you technically ARE a zombie. Seriously, Senator鈥 mean, I can鈥檛 believe I鈥檓 saying this, but this is incredibly disturbing. You are clearly too old to fulfill the requirements of your position. Like, dude, politics aside, I just watched you die on live television. To be quite honest, I鈥檒l be letting my therapist know that we can forget about mom for a little while.鈥�
In the aftermath of Cornish鈥檚 apparent death and resurrection, some in the media have concurred with Juper that this latest incident (Cornish fractured a C1 vertebrae while negotiating a doorknob last June) only further proves that term-limits must be imposed on members of the Senate. Despite any merit these claims may hold, it appears that these truly geriatric creatures will continue to serve our country together with the literal un-dead until laws are changed 鈥� which is unlikely, considering that these decrepit methuselahs are the ones who make them.
In other news, the mental competency of 126-year-old Congressman Kennesaw Mountain Landis Earl Smith was called into question during a recent hearing. Rival lawmakers commented on what appeared to be puppet-like strings attached to his arms from the ceiling, as well as a foul stench emanating from the politician鈥檚 body. Reluctant to surrender control over the house vote, Landis Earl Smith鈥檚 fellow party members insisted that he is 鈥渁bsolutely, currently existing on the mortal plain,鈥� and that to suggest otherwise is an 鈥渙utright disgrace to the American people.鈥� Despite his own party members鈥� refusal to sit close to him (and those that did chose to cover their faces with a handkerchief with a distressed look in their eyes, making occasional retching noises), they made it clear that they stand in solidarity with this former/current party member and human being/zombie.
The Skyhawk View would like to clarify that this column is satirical. Though we acknowledge that the events described seem believable when considering the current state of the United States legislative system, all characters and events are fictional. The events depicted in the preceding column have not actually taken place. Yet.